Navy Stories and Jokes
LETTER FROM A CHRISTMAS
VALLEY, OREGON FARM KID,
NOW AT SAN DIEGO MARINE CORPS RECRUIT DEPOT
Dear Ma and Pa:
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the
Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them
to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till
nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.
Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your
cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash
to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men
got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs,
bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak,
fried eggplant, pie and other regular food.
But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys
that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till
noon, when you get fed again.
It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route"
marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to
harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him
different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at
home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in
trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat. The Sergeant is
like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the
school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown.
They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting
medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as
big as a chipmunk head and don't move. And it ain't shooting at
you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie
there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own
cartridges. They come in boxes. Then we have what they call
hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city
boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy.
It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the
best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in
Silver Lake. He joined up the same time as me. But I'm only 5'6"
and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and weighs near 300 pounds dry. Be
sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers
get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Gail
USS Dealey (DE 1006)
Goes to Washington
By
A.T. Perry PhD PE CHFP (Radarman 2nd 62-65)
As best I can remember it was in the Spring or Early Summer of 1964 that the
Dealey went to Washington DC. I have no idea why this happened but it was great
and is one of my fondest memories.
We entered Chesapeake Bay and turned north to the mouth of the Potomac. It was a
soft day, misty and cool. The shore was visible but not much past the bank could
be seen clearly. The uniform of the day was undress blues.
The high point for me was passing Mount Vernon. We rendered honors to George
Washington as we passed. I count myself lucky to be one of the few sailors to
have had the privilege of saluting our First President from the deck of a
fighting ship of the United States Navy.
We proceeded to the navy yard and docked near the president’s yacht. Every time
I have returned to Washington DC since that trip, I have taken the opportunity
to tell other visitors I meet that I am one of the few to come to Washington by
ship.
A tour was arranged for the crew. We loaded onto a Navy bus and went to the
White House. LBJ was the president then. We saw the Lincoln Memorial, the
Jefferson Memorial, the Washington Monument, and Arlington National Cemetery.
The changing of the guard at the tombs of the Unknowns was very moving.
I do not remember much about going back to sea. The trip to WDC was great.
The USS Dealey (DE1006)
Meets Jezebel
By
A.T. Perry II PhD PE CHFP (Radarman 2nd 62-65)
The Dealey and some others in the squadron were selected for an experiment. We
were to determine if sonarbuoys could be used by DE’s to hunt subs. A couple of
our Sonarmen, Steve Smith from Waco, TX was one, were sent to school to learn
how to read the sonarbouy signals. Antennas were placed high on the mast and the
gear was wired up.
First Division and LTJG Riemenschnider got squared away on the procedure of
launching these things from the deck of a DE in any weather. Launching singles
was not a problem. Just chunk them over the side, way over the side and watch
out for the microphone cord. Launching pairs was much more exciting. A weather
balloon was filled with a mix of water and air and acted as a sea anchor at one
end of a short piece of line. Next in line came the first buoy. A piece of
longer line connected the first buoy to the second buoy. The length of this line
was critical. LTJG Riemenschnider by trial and error and calculation of the
centenary figured this out. The pairs were dropped when the ship was heading
directly up or down wind. The sea anchor always went on the up wind side. Oh,
and watch out for the microphone cord.
Off we went into the balmy weather of the north Atlantic in the early Fall. I
think it was 1963 or 1964. We were to try to intercept US and Allied subs coming
to the States after operating in Europe over the summer. DD’s and DE’s up and
down the East Coast were involved in this operation. I think two other DE’s of
our class had Sonarbouy to use.
In CIC we had to learn how to chart the location of the buoys on the DRT.
Account for drift; plot the bearings and do some magic over what it meant. The
Ops Boss would take this info; integrate it with radar, ECM, radio, and then
prophesize where the sub was.
None of the non-sonarbouy equipped ships got a sub. One of our sister ships
caught one. The mighty Dealey caught two, one on the surface. That was a great
experience.
It was night and we were in one of those rare fog banks found in the North
Atlantic. We had been it for about three days. We got a signal on a single buoy.
We had a good pair working and so we dropped another pair to get a fix. It
worked. The old man turned our mast lights on to indicate we were a trawler.
With our single screw we could sound right also. Slowly, slowly catchy monkey we
moved toward an intercept with the sub. When the conning tower of the sub
materialized out of the fog, C. King SM1 flashed “Bang, Bang, you are dead.” Oh,
what a happy ship we were.
The USS Dealey (DE 1006)
The Windward Passage
By
A.T.Perry II PhD PE CHFP (Radarman 2nd 62-65)
In 1965, I think, we were sent to patrol the Windward Passage. Windward Passage
is that body of water separating Cuba and the Island of Dominica, the body of
land that is home to the countries of Haiti and the Dominican Republic. First,
we went to Gitmo Bay for fuel and food.
We took up station and began to sail 25 mile by 10 mile box back and forth
observing traffic through and most particularly across the passage between Cuba
and Haiti. We did this for more than 30 days.
We had a beard growing contest. Cooked steaks on the fantail and watched the
same movies over and over and over. We became so familiar with the movies we
would shut off the sound and the crew members would say the lines. Some of the
wittier members of the crew came up with much funnier (filthier) lines.
Two incidents stand out to me. One was my near dunking and the other was a trip
to Grand Ignagwa Island. The first came about while I was fulfilling my duty as
ship’s postal clerk. Back in 1962 we lost our last Postalman. I volunteered for
the job and mostly liked it. Mainly because when we were taking on
stores/refueling when returning to port, I would request permission to go get
the ships mail. Everybody, including the old man, wants their mail. Off I would
go, with the blessings of all, while my ship mates labored. As a RDSN or RD3
this was my only escape from the dreaded PO3 and below working party.
This time, however, mail was being brought to us by a ship returning to the
States and I was loaded up in the ships whaleboat and off we went across the
bounding main. A beautiful day, blue sky, blue water, a fresh breeze. Along side
we went and they lowered the mail sack down on a heaving line. Just as I got the
sack, the coxswain but the tiller over and signaled ahead because he thought we
were rolling into the side. I am holding tight to the mail and being pulled over
the side because they have the heaving line tied off topside. Jerk, over the
side I head. Finally, the coxswain signals back and I come back inboard. The
mail stayed dry.
One day we got a small surface contact on the radar. It turned out to be a
small, 50 ft., Panamanian freighter in distress. They had lost their engine and
were drifting into Cuba. We tried to help them but it was not fixable at sea. We
gave them a tow to Grand Ignagwa Island. This was a strange place. It was small,
maybe 100 acres. It was home to a British salt company. The most prominent
feature was a salt hill about 60 feet high. We left the Panamanians there. I
guess they were better off.
The USS Dealey (DE 1006)
The Cuban Crisis.
By
A.T.Perry II PhD PE CHFP (Radarman 2nd 62-65)
I was in a café in Newport one evening when the Shore Patrol came in looking at
ship’s patches and sending the DE and DD sailors back to their ships. We were
loaded onto busses and taken back to the Destroyer Piers. Nobody knew why
liberty was canceled.
When I got on board O’Connor RD1 sent me to cast loose the antennas. I went up
the mast and did it. It was not my favorite job, I don’t like heights!!! As soon
as the snipes got up steam we cast off. Not all hands got back to the ship on
time.
It was quite a sight to see. All the DE’s and DD’s sortieing down Narragantset
bay, past Goat Island and out to sea. We went from Special Sea Detail to GQ. We
turned south and passed Martha’s Vineyard. Still no word about what was going
on. Finally, around midnight, the old man, CMDR George B. Lindgren, came up on
the 1MC and said that President Kennedy said that the Russians had put missiles
in Cuba and we were going to Moorhead City to meet amphibs with Marines.
Later our Department Head, LT. T.P. Jones, gave us more information. He latter
went to ComCortRon10 staff. Our Division Officer was LTJG Forys. Our leading PO
at the time was Chief Mingo. As it turned out we ended up patrolling off the
coast of Florida. It was exciting when we encountered a Soviet Block ship that
would not stop for us. The old man ordered Mount 31 manned, loaded with BL&P,
and trained around on the port bow. The Soviet Block ship went DIW and they all
began to wave and smile.
Most of the patrol was just bad weather. A cup of instant chicken noodle soup
and bologna sandwiches for chow because the weather was too rough for the
Galley. Port and Starboard watches for the Radar Gang. The new P3 Orians marking
on top as they checked the boundaries of their patrol areas. Everyone was glad
when we got to go back to port.
Some little known American military history:
The U.S.S. Constitution (Old Ironsides) carried 48,600 gallons of fresh water
for her crew of 475 officers and men. This was sufficient to last six months of
sustained operations at sea. She carried no evaporators (i.e. fresh water
distillers!).
According to her log, "On July 27, 1798, the U.S.S. Constitution sailed from
Boston with a full complement of 475 officers and men, 48,600 gallons of fresh
water, 7,400 cannon shot, 11,600 pounds of black powder and 79,400 gallons of
rum." Her mission: "To destroy and harass English shipping."
Making Jamaica on 6 October, she took on 826 pounds of flour and 68,300 gallons
of rum. Then she headed for the Azores, arriving there 12 November. She
provisioned with 550 pounds of beef and 64,300 gallons of Portuguese wine. On 18
November, she set sail for England. In the ensuing days she defeated five
British men-of-war and captured and scuttled 12 English merchantmen, salvaging
only the rum aboard each.
By 26 January, her powder and shot were exhausted. Although unarmed she made a
night raid up the Firth of Clyde in Scotland. Her landing party captured a
whisky distillery, and, by dawn, had transferred 40,000 gallons of single malt
Scotch aboard before heading home.
The U.S.S. Constitution arrived in Boston on 20 February, 1799, with no cannon
shot, no food, no powder, no rum, no wine, no whisky, and 38,600 gallons of
stagnant water.
GO NAVY!
How To Simulate Life In The Navy
1. Buy a dumpster, paint it gray and live in it for 6 months straight.
2. Run all of the piping and wires inside your house on the outside of the
walls.
3. Pump 10 inches of nasty, crappy water into your basement, then pump it out,
clean up, and paint the basement "deck gray".
4. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go the scummiest
part of town, find the most run down, trashy bar you can, pay $10 per beer until
you're hammered, then walk home in the freezing cold.
5. Perform a weekly disassembly and inspection of your lawnmower.
6. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays turn your water temperature up to 200
degrees, then on Tuesday and Thursday turn it down to 10 degrees. On Saturdays,
and Sundays declare to your entire family that they used too much water during
the week, so all showering is secured.
7. Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling.
8. Have your next door neighbor come over each day at 5 am, and blow a whistle
so loud that Helen Keller could hear it and shout "Reveille, Reveille, all hands
heave out and trice up".
9. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following
day, then have her make you stand in the back yard at 6 am and read it to you.
10. Eat the raunchiest Mexican food you can find for three days straight, then
lock yourself out of the bathroom for 12 hours, and hang a sign on the door that
reads "Secured-contact OA division at X-3053".
11. Submit a request form to your father-in-law, asking if it's ok for you to
leave your house before 3 pm.
12. Invite 200 of your not-so-closest friends to come over, then board up all
the windows and doors to your house for 6 months. After the 6 months is up, take
down the boards, wave at your friends and family through the front window of
your home...you can't leave until the next day - you have duty.
13. Shower with above-mentioned friends.
14. Make your family qualify to operate all the appliances in your home(i.e.
Dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc.).
15. Walk around your car for 4 hours checking the tire pressure every 15
minutes.
16. Sit in your car and let it run for 4 hours before going anywhere. This is to
ensure your engine is properly "lighted off".
17. Empty all the garbage bins in your house, and sweep your driveway 3 times a
day, whether they need it or not. (Now sweepers, start your brooms, clean
sweepdown fore and aft, empty all trashcans over the fantail)
18. Repaint your entire house once a month.
19. Cook all of your food blindfolded, groping for any spice and seasoning you
can get your hands on.
20. Use eighteen scoops of budget coffee grounds per pot, and allow each pot to
sit 5 hours before drinking.
21. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines,
and randomly lose every 5th item.
22. Spend $20,000 on a satellite system for your TV, but only watch CNN and the
Weather Channel.
23. Avoid watching TV with the exception of movies which are played in the
middle of the night. Have the family vote on which movie to watch and then show
a different one.
24. Have your 5-year-old cousin give you a haircut with goat shears.
25. Sew back pockets to the front of your pants.
26. Spend 2 weeks in the red-light districts of Europe, and call it "world
travel".
27. Attempt to spend 5 years working at McDonalds, and NOT get promoted.
28. Ensure that any promotions you do get are from stepping on the dead bodies
of your co-workers.
29. Needle gun the aluminum siding on your house after your neighbors have gone
to bed.
30. When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone, and
shout at the top of your lungs that your home is under attack, and order them to
man their battle stations. ("General quarters, general quarters, all hands man
your battle stations")
31. Make your family menu a week ahead of time and do so without checking the
pantry and refrigerator.
32. Post a menu on the refrigerator door informing your family that you are
having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for at least an hour, when
they finally get to the kitchen, tell them that you are out of steak, but you
have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they don't pay attention to the
menu any more so they just ask for hot dogs.
33. When baking a cake, prop up one side of the pan while it is in the oven.
Spread icing on real thick to level it off.
34. In the middle of January, place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have
you family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4-hour intervals.
35. Lock yourself and your family in your house for 6 weeks. Then tell them that
at the end of the 6th week you're going to take them to Disneyland for "weekend
liberty". When the end of the 6th week rolls around, inform them that Disneyland
has been canceled due to the fact that they need to get ready for
Engineering-certification, and that it will be another week before they can
leave the house.
36. In your grim, gray dumpster (refer to #1), with 200 of your not-so-closest
friend (cite para. 12) regardless of gender, suffer through PMS!
37. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain.
Have you wife whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep. She
should then shine a flashlight in your eyes and mumble "Sorry, wrong rack"
38. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of your bathtub, move
the shower head to chest level. When you take showers, make sure you shut off
the water while you soap down.
39. When there is a thunderstorm in your area, find a wobbly rocking chair and
rock as hard as you can until you become nauseous, have a supply of stale
crackers in your shirt pocket.
40. Put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high
41. For ex-engineering types: leave the lawn mower running in your living room
eight hours a day.
42. Have the paperboy give you a haircut.
43. Once a week, blow compressed air up your chimney, making sure the wind
carries the soot onto your neighbors house. Ignore his complaints.
44. Every other month buy green or red marine primer and put it in a paint
sprayer. Spray it over the roof of your house onto your neighbor's car. Ignore
his complaints.
45. Lock wire the lug nuts on your car.
46. Buy a trash compactor, but use it only once a week. Store the garbage on the
other side of your bathtub.
47. Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly
sandwich on stale bread.
48. Set your alarm clock to go off at random during the night, jump up and get
dressed as fast as you can making sure you button up the top button on your
shirt, stuff you pants into your socks. Run out into the backyard and uncoil the
garden hose.
49. Once a month, take every major appliance apart and put them back together
again.
50. Install a fluorescent lamp under the coffee table and then get under it and
read books.
51. Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills of your front and back doors so
that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through one of them.
52. Every so often, throw the cat in the pool and shout "Man overboard,
starboard side" Then run into the house and sweep all the pots and dishes off
the counter. Yell at the wife and kids for not having the kitchen "stowed for
sea"
53. Put on the headphones from your stereo set, but don't plug them in. Hang a
paper cup around your neck with string. Go stand in front of your stove. Say to
no one in particular "Stove manned and ready" Stand there for three or four
hours. And say again to no one in particular "stove secured" Roll up your
headphones and paper cup and place them in a box.